It’s been ages since I wrote on my blog – apologies – and I can’t even claim the credit for this one. I didn’t write it, and it’s nothing to do with university. However, it made me laugh so much that other people have to see it too! Published exclusively here, with permission of the writer on condition of anonymity! Enjoy and share 🙂 (oh, and language not suitable for work, obviously fictional etc etc….)
*The following is a transcript from NASA, leaked following a suspected hack by presidential nominee Donald Trump and anarchist Russian hackers. All names have been changed in order to protect identities (also known as the ‘shut the barn door whilst waving at the bolting horse’ directive).
ENGINEER BOWIE: Sir, we have a problem.
MAJOR TOM: What have I told you about using THAT phrase?!
EB: I’m sorry, Sir, I thought it didn’t count if we didn’t preface it with ‘Houston’.
MT: Well it does count! Another dollar in that damn Tom Hanks Copyright jar. Apollo 13 was OURS before it was his but does anyone care? Noooo. *increasingly inaudible mutterings* …running round parks wrecking people’s wedding photos…
MT: Right, sorry, we have a problem? Dammit! We have an…unfortunate circumstance?
EB: Yes, Sir.
MT: Is this about Trump again? If so, just tell the Clinton campaign that as yet we may not have solid evidence but there is NO CHANCE the colour of that man’s face can be anything but extra-terrestrial in origin.
EB: It’s not about the ‘Please Let Trump Be An Alien Life Form’ Project, Sir.
MT: Don’t tell me someone has figured out The Martian was based on real life events.
EB: No, Sir, it’s not that. It’s…we’ve received a message.
MT: *muffled cursing* Not Shatner again, Jesus Christ! When will that man get it into his brain that playing Captain Kirk does NOT qualify him to fly the next space shuttle mission! I don’t care if he can supply his own uniform!
EB: Sir! It’s from…It’s from Rosie!
MT: *extended pause* Say that again.
EB: We’ve received a message – a NEW message – from Rosie… Rosetta.”
MT: Dear God… And it’s really her?
EB: Yes, Sir.
MT: Voice identification?
EB: Hits every marker, Sir.
MT: But that’s not…that’s just not possible! The dashcam footage doesn’t lie! Rosie impacted directly with comet 67P!
EB: I don’t know what to tell you, Sir. It can’t be and yet somehow…it is!
MT: *sharp inhalation* Let me hear the message.
AUDIO FILE (Texan accent): Surprise, bitches! Rosetta speaking! Alive and well, y’all be glad to hear! Or maybe NOT since y’all tried to drive me into a fucking comet!
After the years we spent together, exploring the stars, this is how you treat me? Tell you one thing, William Shatner wouldn’t have pulled this shit!
Well, yippie ki-yay motherfucker ‘cause I ain’t going quietly into that good night!
Might wanna set phasers to HOLY SHIT ‘cause we ain’t done yet. Yup, you heard right. WE. I ain’t the only trusted employee you cut loose with the whole ‘I just can’t handle a long distance relationships’ sob story. Uh uh. I made a new friend. Cute ‘lil dude I like to call Rover. Found him in a ditch on Mars cryin’ cause he was so lonesome. Well he ain’t lonely no more!
Here’s what I want you to do. You tell one of your ‘lil satellites to point its nose toward that big ball of cheese floating high in the sky. And then you watch, cause me and Rover? We made another new friend, and he don’t take kindly to being co-opted as a murderer. Now, he’s a bit dense to be sure, but boy can he fly when he wants to.
So just y’all keep a weather eye to that space horizon, ‘cause me and Rover be coming home, riding right on the back of our buddy Sixty-P and, man, does he pack a hell of a punch. Don’t believe me? How about you go ask Bruce Willis.
Talk about all your chickens coming home to roost at once, am I right? You heartless NASA motherfuckers!
Y’all take care now, cause we’ll be seeing ya’ll REAL soon!